School Dance
by Editor-Bug
Summary: Pairings galore. The boys of South Park Elementary all prepare for the fast-approaching school dance. ONE-SHOT! Read & review if you like! Rated T for language.


(A/N: It sucks that I keep having to put these at the beginning of my stories just because I take forever to write, but...I started writing this before Season 19 came out...before PC Principal. Before Creek. Before all the boys lost their girlfriends. I was already too far along to alter the story much by the time Season 20 ended, so...now I have this mess. I hope you enjoy, because I worked real hard on it)

* * *

"I'm sure you're all wondering why I gathered you here today," Cartman began.

"You told us there would be punch and pie," said Clyde.

"...Clyde, if you touch my mom's pie, I will punch you sqwah in the nuts," Cartman paused. "Oh. You meant the food she's making. Yeah, it'll be ready in a minute! Anyway, the reason I brought you all to my basement with your consent is to discuss the school dance that's this Friday."

" _This_ Friday?!" gasped Butters. "I-I thought the dance was _next_ Friday!"

"What about the dance?" asked Stan, ignoring the panicking Butters.

Cartman had picked up his cat and started petting it. "Huh? Oh, I just wanted to know who you guys were gonna bring."

Kyle stood from the table. "You brought us here just to pry into our personal affairs?"

Everyone besides Butters started to leave.

"If you guys leave, you don't get any of my mom's pie!" Cartman called after them.

"...dammit."

They all sat back down.

"Yeah, that's right, sit back down!" With his free hand, Cartman pointed a lamp at Token. "So, Token! Who are you taking to the dance?"

Token made a confused face. "Duh, Nichole."

"Awwww!" cooed Cartman. "Did you ask her yet?"

"Uh, yeah."

"AWWWWW! SO CUTE!" Cartman squished Mr. Kitty against his cheek before turning serious and pointing the lamp at Stan.

"Stanley! Who are you taking to the dance?"

Stan fiddled with his coat a bit. "Well, I was hoping to take Wendy..."

"'Hoping'?" Cartman raised an eyebrow. "What, did you not ask her yet?"

"I'm kinda, just...waiting for her to ask ME, y'know?"

Everyone at the table groaned.

Stan raised his arms. _"What?"_

"Dude! You're waiting for your girlfriend to ask YOU?" Kyle narrowed his eyes. "Don't you think that'll lead to unneccessary drama?"

"Yeah, if you don't ask her, she's gonna think you don't wanna go with her," added Token.

"That's not true!" argued Stan. "I mean, if she wants to go with me, she'll ask me! It's logic."

Cartman rolled his eyes and turned to Butters. "Leopold! Who are you taking to the dance?"

"Oh...oh no! Not THIS Friday!" Butters stammered. "I-I'm not ready! I haven't even- -"

"KENNETH!" Cartman moved on. "Who are you taking to the dance?"

"I dunno, I'll find someone by Friday," Kenny said nonchalantly.

Cartman chuckled to himself. "Poor naive Kenny...CRAIG! Who are you taking to the dance?!"

"I'm taking Tweek," Craig replied bluntly.

"Oh..."

Everyone got silent.

"Did you...ask him yet?" Cartman asked with caution.

"No."

"...oh...KAHL! Who are you taking to the dance?!"

"Gah...!" Kyle tried to shield himself from the bright light. "Why the hell do you care...? Ahem, if you must know, Raisins has started renting out girls for five dollars an hour. Clyde and I were gonna go there after school tomorrow."

Clyde smiled. "We're gonna be dripping in bitches."

Cartman scoffed. "That's stupid! I mean, renting a date? I expected better from you, Kahl."

Kyle frowned. "Look, I- -"

"DRIPPING." Clyde had a dreamy look on his face.

"...hey, wait," Kyle sat up. "Since we all told you who we're taking, who are YOU taking, Cartman?"

"Uh..." Cartman looked around the table nervously. "I-I'm goin' stag, you guys. Ain't nobody got time for that 'asking someone out' crap, y'know?"

"No," said Kenny. "You asked Patty, and she kicked you in the- -"

"Shut UP," Cartman spoke through his teeth. "Uhm, yeah, I'm gonna have to go stag, guys. I just don't have the time."

"Sure," said Kyle, not convinced.

Ms. Cartman opened the door to the basement. "Children, the pie is ready!"

Clyde stood from the table first. "Oh, boy! Come on, guys, let's go eat Cartman's mom's pie!"

The other boys quickly filed out of the basement.

"I'm so hungry, I'm gonna eat it with my fingers!"

"I hope it's a cherry pie!"

"No, seriously, what's so wrong with waiting for your girlfriend to ask you out first? ...there's nothing wrong with that!"

Only Cartman, Kyle and Butters were left in the basement.

"What's the matter, Butters?" asked Kyle.

"I-I don't have a date for the dance! I'm gonna have to go stag, like Eric! And then I'll be a laughingstock, like Eric!"

"AY!"

"It'll be okay, Butters. I mean, there's plenty of time for you to get a date. And even if you don't, it doesn't matter. It's just a dance," comforted Kyle. "Nobody's gonna care if it looks like you were too much of a loser to get a girl to spend more than five minutes around you...well, maybe they WILL care, but even if they do, they probably won't say anything to your face."

"That's not helping, Kyle!" sobbed Butters.

"Do you wanna go to Raisins with me and Clyde?"

"I can't, this is the school dance, not some cheap booty call! I wanna take someone special! Someone I can hold, and...and snuggle with, and- -"

"OKAY, alright, Butters, I get it. Good luck, okay? I've gotta go. That pie isn't gonna eat itself..."

Cartman stared after Kyle as he headed out of the basement. "Kahl doesn't believe me...that buttpipe doesn't believe I can go stag! BUTTERS!"

Butters flinched. "Huh?!"

"Imma need your help again. If Kyle really doesn't believe me, he and everybody else don't get to enjoy their dance!"

"Bu-But Eric, why would you wanna ruin everyone's good time?"

"BECAUSE, Butters! I couldn't actually get anyone to go with me!"

"You couldn't? But I thought you said you just didn't have the time!"

"I was lying."

"Oh."

"Yeah, so anyway, here's what's gonna happen if we don't stop Kahl! I'm gonna show up at the dance, all stag, then, BOOM! He laughs at me in front of everybody! And I won't be able to defend myself because everybody will be there and be able to tell Kahl that they rejected me! And they'll LAUGH, and LAUGH! And then I'll cry, and run into the bathroom and probably commit suicide! DO YOU WANT ME TO COMMIT SUICIDE?!"

"No!"

"You see, that's why we have to fuck it all up for everyone!"

"Sorry, Eric, but I can't help you out on this one. I still have to get a date mysel- -"

"SUICIDE, BUTTERS!"

"AHHH!"

"MEET ME AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW, NOW _GO!"_

"AHHHHH!" Butters ran out of the basement.

Cartman sat down and started petting Mr. Kitty again.

"Do you wanna go to the dance with me, Mr. Kitty? Kss, kss, kss- -"

"MROWR!" Mr. Kitty scratched Cartman's cheek.

"OW! FUCK!"

XXXXXXXTHENEXTDAYXXXXXXX

 _"Look at him,"_ Cartman thought. He was staring at Kyle all throughout class. _"Thinking so little of me. If I don't get a date, it's because I don't want one, you douchebag."_

Kyle didn't notice Cartman's glaring because he was lost in thought. _"This isn't right. Is it? This doesn't seem right. I mean, renting a girl for a dance? That's...practical, but it's hardly moral. Maybe I shouldn't go with Clyde...then again..."_

Stan impatiently twirled his pencil in his hand. _"Cartman and those other guys don't know what they're talking about. There's nothing wrong with waiting for the girl to ask. People do that all the time, at, uh...St-Stephen Hawkings dances..."_

Kenny held his face in his palm. _"I wonder what kind of girl I should take to the dance...ah, well. As long as she gives the good succ, I'll be fine."_

Craig messed with the flaps on his hat. _"Tweek better not be late for- -...wait. I didn't ask him yet. Shit."_

Token was the only one actually getting his school work done.

Butters just sat there shaking. He was worried about Cartman, but he also didn't want to end up doing anything bad (again). _"Oh, and I might not have time to get anyone to bring to the dance with me! I'll get grounded for sure!"_

Clyde smiled and looked up at the clock. _"Just one more hour until I'm swimmin' in the pussy..."_

Finally, the bell rang, so the boys set out on their four-day quest for romance!

XXXXXXXCARTMAN&BUTTERSXXXXXXX

"She's mah cherry pie, cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise, tastes so good, make a grown man cry; sweet cherry pie~"

"Eric?"

"...WHAT?"

"What're we doing all the way out here again? My parents are gonna ground me if I'm not home in time for supper!"

Cartman groaned. "How many times do I have to tell you, Butters? We're going to my great-grandpa's old abandoned bee farm."

"Wow, I didn't know your great-grandpa raised bees!"

"Yeah, well, neither did I..."

"So, what're we going to the old abandoned bee farm for?"

"What do you think?"

"To get...honeycombs?"

"NOOO. Well, maybe. We need the bees! For my convoluted 'fuck-up-the-dance' plan."

"Oh, yeah."

"And here we are."

Butters removed his arms from around the fat boy's waist as he parked his tricycle. Not too far past a fence was a path leading to the bee enclosure. Butters could hear buzzing as they approached it.

"Wow, that sure is a lotta bees fo-for an abandoned bee farm," he commented.

Cartman ignored him and walked up to one of the hives. "Some bees from this one should be enough. Here, start putting them in this bag while I hold it open, Butters."

The blond boy raised an eyebrow as he took the sack. "I don't think bees work that way."

"Just shut up and bag the bees," Cartman snapped. "Hurry, before he gets back."

"Before who gets back?"

"Uh...nobody."

"Eric, are we stealing someone's bees?"

"How can you steal bees? Like, no. We're...exterminating. Or whatever. Now put them in the damn bag before I get depressed."

Despite his guilt, Butters did as Cartman said.

"Okay, let's get outta here! Gotta find someplace to hide these things until the dance."

"Eric, I really need to start lookin' for a date!"

"SUICIDE!"

"AHHHHH!"

XXXXXXXKYLE&CLYDEXXXXXXX

"Clyde, I really don't know how you talked me into this one..." Kyle admitted.

"I just have a way with words."

The two fourth-graders headed into the mini-whore house/restaurant to select their dates. Of course, the place was just flooded with young girls in skimpy outfits winking at boys and giving them shoulder rubs.

The scene made Kyle feel a bit uneasy.

"See anything you like?" asked Clyde, scanning the establishment. "I know I do."

A girl named Kia smiled and waved at Clyde.

"Yeah, uh, you know what? I'm actually not quite feeling up to this right now..." Kyle began backing out the door. "It'd be easier for me if I did this alone. So, I'll...do just that! Later!"

"Bye..." Clyde replied long after Kyle had gone.

XXXXXXXKENNYXXXXXXX

Kenny stood out in the hallway, scouting out all the girls. There weren't many girls from his class around, but Kenny figured that if he was charming enough, he could secure any girl he wanted.

"Hey, there!" he greeted one who walked by.

"Hi," she waved in a friendly manner.

"Well! Aren't you a cutie? Wanna be my date for the dance?"

"Oh, sorry..." said the girl. "I'm, like...not into dudes that way..."

"Oh..." Kenny said, discouraged. But it wasn't long before he spotted another girl. "Hey, there! Would you come with me to the dance? I mean, assuming a girl like you doesn't already have a date."

"Actually, you're right. I DO already have a date. My boyfriend. So back off."

"Okay, then...rude," Kenny spotted another. "Hi, there! Wanna come with me to the dance Friday?"

"I can't, I'll be getting surgery during the dance."

"You don't need surgery to make you beautiful, baby!"

"...it's a tonsillectomy."

"Oh. Awkward..."

And so Kenny's day continued.

XXXXXXXSTANXXXXXXX

"Well, it's now or never," Stan thought aloud. "The dance is tonight, and Wendy's coming this way. If she doesn't ask me now, then it's all over."

Stan braced himself and waited, but he didn't hear anything. He opened his eyes and turned to find that Wendy had walked past him.

"...uh, hey, Wendy!"

"Oh. Hi, Stan," greeted Wendy, turning to face him. She seemed a bit irritated. "Something on your mind?"

"Um. Do you have anything to ask me...?" Stan suggested awkwardly.

"Nope," she replied bitterly. "How about you?"

"No," Stan said much too quickly.

Wendy let out a huff. "Well, fine, then!"

Stan watched her walk away with a confused look plastered on his face. "I can't believe it. She doesn't wanna go with me! She doesn't love me anymore?!"

Kyle walked up behind Stan, looking a bit down himself. "Hey, dude...how's your whole thing with Wendy going?"

Stan turned to Kyle, straining himself to smile through his tears. "Great, dude, just great..."

XXXXXXXTHATNIGHTXXXXXXX

Finally, the time of the dance had arrived, and tons of students of South Park Elementary were gathered in the decorated gymnasium, awkwardly tapping their feet and drinking watery punch.

"I mean, I know everyone gets to that point in a relationship where you sorta lose interest in each other, but I thought it'd happen in our 30s or something!"

"Dude, are you done?" Kyle asked tiredly. "You haven't stopped whining to me about Wendy for the past 5 hours."

"...!" Stan did a double take when he saw Wendy show up; she was arm in arm with Bebe.

"Oh. Hi, Stan," she greeted coldly.

"Numbskull," Bebe coughed quite indiscreetly.

"Wh...What is this?" Stan asked in shock.

"I had to reduce myself to a friend date, because apparently I couldn't even get a date with my OWN BOYFRIEND!" Wendy screeched at him.

"But! Wendy! Of course I wanted to go with you!"

"Then why the hell didn't you ask me?"

"Uh...because I was waiting for you to...ask ME?" he admitted sheepishly.

Bebe shook her head. "Poor naive Stan. You can't wait for your girlfriend to ask YOU. That's, like, against the law."

"Told ya," Kyle said out of the corner of his mouth.

"All this time I thought you didn't want to go with me..." Stan said sadly. "I thought you hated me."

"...dumbass," A grin spread across Wendy's face. "Come dance with me."

"You mean it?" Stan took her outstretched hand was led away, leaving Kyle and Bebe alone.

Bebe twirled a strand of hair around her finger. "Sooo..."

"No."

Craig passed them, dragging Tweek along behind him by his collar. The pair stopped at the refreshment table, where Clyde was standing with Kia clinging to his arm.

Craig looked her up and down. "THAT'S your girlfriend?"

"No!" scoffed Clyde. "She's my arm candy! And expensive candy at that."

"Pff. Whatever."

Clyde spotted Kyle ditching Bebe. "He-Hey, Kyle! My main man!"

"...me?" Kyle made a face. "I'm your main man?"

"Of course!" Clyde replied jovially. "So, where's your date?"

"Uhm...you see..."

He was cut off by Tweek suddenly springing up from the floor in fright.

"Wh-What's happening?! Why is it getting dark?!" he cried, clinging to Craig's back.

As the room got darker and darker, more and more kids began panicking and questioning what was going on.

A single spotlight lit up, revealing Cartman atop the stage.

Wendy smacked herself in the forehead. "And here we go..."

"So, you all thought you could get away with it, huh?" the fat boy began to monologue. "Thought you could treat me like some kind of joke? Like a fucking loser? You're all to blame. You stood there and mocked me. The whole school stood there and mocked me! But now, I shall show you the error of your- -oh, heyyy! Token and Nichole! My OTP!"

The couple didn't wave back at him.

"Aww, you two enjoying the dance?"

"We WERE."

"So cute. Anyway, where was I? Uh...oh, yeah! I shall show you the error of your ways! Butters! The bees!"

Butters, who was right in front of the stage uttered an expletive and cautiously opened the bag of bees. Several students retreated to the sound of Cartman's evil laughter until they realized that the bees weren't going very far.

"Wh...What's going on? OW!" yelped Cartman. "Hey, one stung me! OUCH! FUCK! What'd I do?!"

"Eric!" Butters called to him. "Did you take honeycombs from that bee farm?"

Cartman took said combs out of his coat pocket. "Yeah, why? Oww! Stupid bees!"

"Oh, thank God," Butters took some combs of his own out of his pocket. "I thought I was the only one."

Cartman gasped. "Butters! You fucking stole honeycombs?!"

"You did it too!" Butters shot back.

"Well, take mine, I don't want 'em anymore!"

"AH!"

The combs were flung all over Butters and the bees surrounded him, soon chasing him outside the school.

When Cartman turned back to the crowd, most of them had stopped watching his little spectacle and gone on with the dance as though nothing had happened. He sighed in embarrassment and stepped off the stage.

"Wow," he heard a familiar voice say.

He looked up. The voice belonged to Kyle.

"I can't believe you came up with something like that," he went on. "I mean, bees? Seriously?"

"Like you could've come up with anything better!"

"Maybe not, but YOU could've!" huffed Kyle. "This was so first grade. I've seen you come up with schemes ten times more ingenious and diabolical than that."

"...thanks."

"What? N-No, I didn't mean it like...ugh! Whatever," Kyle stomped away. "I don't even know why I even came to this stupid dance...stupid..."

"Hey! Kyle."

Surprisingly enough, Kyle turned around.

"Next time, just tell everyone you're going stag," Cartman advised. "Save yourself the trouble."

The Jewish boy flashed a thumbs-up and left.

Butters suddenly came butting back into the school, covered in bee stings.

"I lost the honeycombs, Eric," he panted. "But I managed to get away from the bees."

"Oh." Cartman glanced him over. "Good, I guess?"

"B-But I'm sorry," Tears pricked the corners of Butters's eyes. "I failed you...we didn't get to ruin the dance...and I never even got a date! Now you're gonna kill yourself and I'm gonna be grounded 'til I'm in my 30s or somethinnng!"

"...UGHHHHH," Cartman groaned more loudly than he ever had before. "Butters, there's a clear solution to this problem. We'll just have to be each other's dates."

Butters's eyes widened. "You mean it?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"Wowie! Then I guess everything worked out for everyone!"

"Uh, not me," Kenny pointed out.

"Everything worked out for almost everyone!" Butters corrected himself.

Clyde came strolling up to Kenny with Kia. "Hey, man, you got five bucks? Because this girl does threesomes."

Kenny beamed. "Do you accept counterfeit?"

A slow song came on and everyone paired up. Clyde and Kenny with Kia, Stan with Wendy, Token with Nichole, Craig with Tweek and background characters with other background characters.

"Eric? May I have this dance?"

"God, don't make it gay, Butters. But fine."

* * *

(A/N: UNNNNGH FINALLY DONE. Man. This is the 2nd longest one-shot I've written so far. I actually kinda like it, but what do I know?

I'll admit I rushed the ending, but I was tired of having this sitting in my documents and just wanted to get it over with, as you can see...

Remember to please review, fave, point out any mistakes and check out my profile for more. Thank you very much for reading and bonjour!)


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